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Once, when our kids were much younger, my husband and I went to one of those murder mystery dinner dates. Upon arrival, the host ushered us to a table to enjoy the show with a couple we had never met before. The couple was quite a bit older, but it didn’t stop us from enjoying a lively chat that I would not soon forget.

They had adult children. And, as they shared their philosophy on having great relationships with their kids (parents always see their children as “kids,” even at 42 years of age), I was enthralled. The wife explained that we’ve all become the people we are today through learning life’s lessons, good and bad.  When we try and steer our kid’s path, we take away opportunities for them to become who they are meant to be. The couple shared three phrases that helped build their relationships and stopped them from meddling in their kids’ lives.

Let your children experience disappointment

To explain the first of these three phrases, the husband used this example:

The couple’s son had just graduated college and was looking in the newspaper for jobs (remember when we used to do that?). The son exclaimed, “I found my new job!” When his Dad asked what it was, his son told him it was for a very high position in a multi-million-dollar company in a field the son did not study. Immediately, the Dad was tempted to lower his son’s expectations and prevent the disappointment he saw coming his son’s way. But, instead he said “How exciting. I am interested to see how that turns out.” His son did apply for that job. And, as the Dad suspected, the son received a “thank you for applying but you are not qualified” letter not long after. 

Never say "I told you so"

Disappointed, the son shared the news with his Dad. This is when the Dad reached for the couple’s second go-to phrase. The couple used this phrase when their first reaction was to say “I told you so.” Instead, the Dad simply replied “That’s too bad” and then proceeded to ask the son what other job prospects he had lined up.

Offer love before advice

The last of the three phrases was probably the most important. The couple said that sometimes a moment needs a simple “I love you” or a hug to show support that’s free from advice when the other two phrases did not fit. 

My husband and I left that murder mystery dinner with more than we could have imagined.

Let your kids make their own mistakes

We’ve used these three phrases throughout our lives as our kids grew. They certainly didn’t work in all situations, but they did for many of them. It was hard (and is still hard!) to watch our kids make mistakes. Our children are well out of high school and we still want to protect them and prevent roadblocks.

For example, when our daughter was a third-year student in college, she asked me to stop reminding her of the continuing student scholarship application deadline, so I did. Did she submit the scholarship application on time? She did not. But I wouldn’t change a thing. After she missed the scholarship deadline, my husband and I watched her take that responsibility more seriously. She figured out how to make up the money she would have received and has now developed a method for tracking other deadlines - free of a mother’s nagging.

Our kids still mess up and they continue to learn life’s lessons. More importantly, we have a great relationship and they know they can come to us for love and support, no matter what. When they ask for advice, we give it them. 

I have a plaque on my desk that reads “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” Every time I see it, I think of that couple we met many years ago, who shared their world with us and made a difference in our family.